Hi everyone. Can you guess why I've been on the quiet side?
I feel like everyone wants to shout "Fall is here!" and start talking about change the second September rolls around. Maybe I fall into that category; maybe I don't. It's September 10 and fall begins on one of the month's nine 20's...
Regardless, this post is a lot about change, and also about things staying the same. It's about where I've been, and to reassure you that this blog is still my baby and that I continue to love writing and reviewing stuff. The quiet is temporary.
The biggest change that has happened to me this month (well, over the past few weeks) is that I have a new job. An office job. I'm not only making more money than my previous job, but I'm sitting for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week as opposed to standing for three 11 hour days and one 7 hour day.
I feel like I have so much more free time now...and it's only been three days. Yes, I know: things always seem amazing at the start. I'm staying grounded, don't worry. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't take another baby step forward.
It's a completely different job, with an (obviously) completely different schedule - I may even never need to take the atrocious train ever again. That makes my heart melt in the best possible way.
But that's why I've been quiet. I've been transitioning from one job to the next. I didn't post about this here, but I did state elsewhere that saying goodbye to my coworkers on my last day - this past Friday - actually had me feeling sad. They appreciated me, and I finally saw that when I was leaving. Not because they never made it apparent - they did - but I'm so hard on myself that I always felt like I do more bad than good.
I'm too used to feeling as if I make little to no impact on the people around me. Then, when I am noticed and appreciated, I feel grateful. I guess I am far from taking appreciation for granted, which can't be a bad thing, right?
With that aside, I am excited with this new job, and trying my best to learn everything as quickly as possible. I want to be independent...to serve a purpose in the company. I've always been this way.
And that's when the change takes a turn. Let's talk about what has stayed the same: me. That is both a good and bad thing. I still work hard, I still try to learn quickly, I still focus on my work. But I've also noticed something, today in particular: that maybe I'm doomed to be a loner forever.
We had a meeting today (my first ever meeting), and a colleague invited me to sit with him and few others at that specific table. So many times - and I think I've mentioned this in other IceBlock posts - I've regretted being a loner, and pushing away the opportunities for friendship, specifically in school. Without even thinking, though, I politely turned down his offer, creating (with great ease, I may add) a reason as to why I was okay with my lonely chair, by my lonely self.
It's like I'm so used to the routine of saying no, and staying alone. I want to be more social - I'm not looking to hang out outside of work or anything like that, but to have friends at least - and it seems impossible. I have this habit built inside of me to always be alone. To take comfort in being alone.
I don't know. I really don't. I'm going to try and be more aware of the decisions I make regarding other people, or at least try to, from this point on. I'll let you know how it goes.
Otherwise...
I will try posting content this weekend, and I'm, again, definitely not dumping my blog to the side. Just making as smooth a transition as possible to a fairly big change in my life.
We'll be in touch. ('<>')>
~nikki
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