The IceBlock [26]: Dreams & Loss

What I wanted to say, I can't really say anymore, because the post published right before this one was completed yesterday. I guess what I can say is: this IceBlock post is the first full post that I'm writing after finally moving to California.

Yup, after more than eight years of wanting to leave New York and move here, specifically, I finally did it. I finally made another dream of mine a reality. I finally accomplished what I truly believe is the most difficult goal I ever set for myself.

I left New York on March 9th and was blessed to have my mom's company until the 13th, the day she had to fly back. I considered that my first official day here in southern California, for the purpose of living and not for vacation.

This is my second week away from family, my second week to finally really start my life. To think the hardest part is over is naive. I guess you could say that's why I'm writing this post.

The IceBlock [25]: The Big ED

I remember once, in passing, how I read that every long distance relationship has that one ultimate goal: the end date.

That is to say, we that put ourselves in this unnecessary position all aim towards that rough estimate in time where we aim to close the distance. I don't know why, but that sounds kind of ominous. Or maybe that's an accurate way for it to sound since, you know, maybe once there's no distance, our relationships will crash and burn so viciously that we'll join the crowd of "LDR ARE SO FUCKING STUPID OMG."

Anyway...I'm here to say that I have an end date. Rejoice.

But what I'm here to say even more is that there is so much...more to what this means. Has meant. For years. I talk primarily about my long distance relationship because I know a lot of people hear that I'm wanting to, planning to, preparing to move and automatically think that it's because of my long distance relationship. I'm here writing this post because there is so much more beneath the surface to my decision - to all of the decisions I've made over the past decade of my life.

Warning: this is a long one.

The IceBlock [24]: Snow & Song

It's been a while since I've stared at a blank screen. I've been out of it lately. Confused. Eager. Reaching out for more of something that might not be there. May have never been.

This week Sakamoto Maaya's newest single comes out, and my copy shipped out this morning. I'm in love with the second track on it - "Shikisai" - and plan on doing a cover very, very soon. I might have even had one today except for the fact that my computer is stupid (or maybe it's just me). I thought I did a great job only to find out that Audacity had the audacity to record with the computer microphone. You know, the one that captures the sound of my computer's engine taking flight, for fuck's sake. But I'll actually share the link to it on here once that magically comes together, because I really love the song.

I watch the pile of stuff to review get higher and higher, and I pull the blanket over my head and go back to sleep.

Today it snowed, which sucks. I hate snow. Winter too. On the bright side, my job closed early yesterday and was closed for the entirety of today. First official snow day in quite a while.

What is wrong with me? I have not the grandest clue. All I know is that I want more...and keep trying for more.

Something interesting that has been taking shape is my future. You know, the one that never seems in reach. Things are falling into place - not unexpectedly, but I guess I've been so disappointed with 'tomorrow' that I'm having trouble realizing that my goals are tangible. I have my necklace, I have myself.

I'm trying to say 'yes.' I'm trying to see what I'm capable of. I want things to be different for a change. I want the spring to come. I want to know what's going on.

I sit here anxiously and strain for more.

~nikki


UPDATE [05/7/15]: As promised, here is the link to my cover of "Shikisai."

I thought about including this link in my next music post but...I don't know. I'm still not huge on publicizing my covers, because I'm shy and I think my singing is mediocre lol. Anyway, hope you enjoy it if even just a little. =)

The IceBlock [23]: Happy Belated Thanksgiving + A Milestone

Holy Wow (Maxi), here I am writing again. I'M JUST UNSTOPPABLE!

Okay, okay, I'm still a little...off, lol, since I pulled my all-nighter. 1 A.M. to 7 A.M. this morning, sprinting to finish my 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo but, even bigger than that, sprinting to finish.

I actually felt myself wanting to cry a little this morning when it was all done.

If you see my word count near the top right (or perhaps directly to the right of this post at the time it is published), you'll see that I just barely finished my 50,000 words. 50,015 was my validated count. NaNoWriMo goes through to the 30th, so I technically still have today to write even more for my novel, and in previous years I have continued writing through to the end, and beyond for a week or so. But this year it's not even possible, because my novel is done.

The IceBlock [22]: Fall In Every Sense

Hi everyone. Can you guess why I've been on the quiet side?

I feel like everyone wants to shout "Fall is here!" and start talking about change the second September rolls around. Maybe I fall into that category; maybe I don't. It's September 10 and fall begins on one of the month's nine 20's...

Regardless, this post is a lot about change, and also about things staying the same. It's about where I've been, and to reassure you that this blog is still my baby and that I continue to love writing and reviewing stuff. The quiet is temporary.

The IceBlock [21]: Saying Goodbye

I have lost friends over my relationship, and have had others question me or try to tell me why being committed over long distance is not worth it or, even more, is unfair to one's self. I am glad to say that even when I was at the human peak of self-consciousness, as a teen, I still didn't take what people said or thought about me to heart.

For anyone that has followed my blog somewhat closely, you may have put two and two together and figured out that my boyfriend does not live here. And for those of you who are just now stumbling upon this post, it's clear to you that I am in a long distance relationship. This will be my official announcement of it, not that one is needed.

There is a logic we come to learn as we get older. That practice makes perfect. The more you do something, the easier it is to do. And I wish at this very moment that those words were true about everything, but there are many things that can't be contained within any kind of frame.

We say goodbye every day, multiple times a day, and today is the fourth time I've said goodbye to him for what will turn into months, but you know what? Not only does saying goodbye not get easier, but it in fact gets harder. I am sitting here typing this to you, feeling a rock-bottom loneliness that will crumble to tears for the next few hours, then linger for a week before slowly morphing into a subtle "I miss you" that's constantly trumped by the monotony of life, 2,800 miles apart.

This is my fault. I mean, I decided this on my own, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I am committed and I am prepared to feel like utter crap each and every single time I have to say goodbye. Which I will perhaps always be able to count on both hands, because 2,800 miles is a 6-hour flight that you simply can't do every month, or for a mere three-day-weekend. Regardless, as a single decision made entirely by me, it still hurts the way a loss could. The dragging periods of wait in between are awful, but the very moment, when we know "this hug will be the last for a long time" - that moment is the absolute worst.

And here I am trying to get through it again. Taking in this silence that makes my stomach knot, and realizing you're gone. We said goodbye a few hours ago, and you're gone.

The IceBlock [20]: What's the opposite of up?!

Once upon a time, I was in high school, optimistic about the future, and naive. I thought about my birthday, I thought about my where-I-want-to-be's for after college, and I thought about all the time I had, for I was ahead. Yes, I started school a year early, and I would jump-start the rest of my life that much sooner. I decided on a number, and that number was 23. Twenty-three.

Once upon a time, I was a college student with a full scholarship, wondering how many credits I could balance at once, figuring out all the different degree paths I could take, having a taste of companionship, yet still naive, for I still felt optimistic without real thought of what was coming. I felt like the next step would make itself known when the time came. I had patiently calculated a number, and dutifully knocked it down one by one at each arrival of night. ~1470 days 'til I do...

Once upon a time, there was no more once upon a time, for the time was now. I was a year ahead. Now I've spent two years making little to no progress [so it seems]. I'm mostly a pessimist. And that stupid number sat on my priority list for so long, that it developed this kind of importance that makes this year carry a weight capable of shattering a spinal disc or two [I'm pessimistically weak, remember?]. 1470 days? Uh, how about 52?

Oh how time flies!

The IceBlock [19]: Happy New Year?

I'm actually shocked that the last time I wrote an IceBlock post was in October of 2013. So it feels like a "happy new year!" is in order, but well...

It's already March of 2014!

In terms of actual events, this year hasn't been too exciting so far, with my trip to California at the end of January being the highlight, of course. Other than that, life in NYC has been the usual bull, only with way more snow than usual, which is just fantastic (certainly sarcasm).

Usually when I come back from California, I feel refreshed and more patient about changing my situation here in NYC. This time, though, I felt as disgusted as when I left, only I didn't have a trip less than a month away to act as the temporary silver lining. I already know that I stress myself out incredibly, so I've been trying to really take matters into my own hands and get the gears of my life turning in full swing. The plan of attack, for now, is to develop whatever skills I can until I get experience in a job/career that I can actually support myself with.

That means putting more into my self-run projects, including this blog. *Notice how I churned out so many posts in February, which is ironic because (a) I was gone the first week of it and (b) it's already the shortest month of the year!*

The IceBlock [18]: Something Strange

I'm not an advocate for publishing two non-review posts in a row,  but something strange has been on my mind after a recent event. I think the only way to stop thinking about it so much is to write it down. I hope.

I plan to participate in NaNoWriMo 2013. I may have mentioned that in an earlier post. I am also attempting to become more social. It may or may not be obvious through my posts on here, but I am an introverted, antisocial person, by choice and not by choice. I'm also shy, which hasn't helped at all. I have always felt like my company was a burden, and rarely try to make conversation with people. I feel better when they try to talk to me - and keep talking to me. Then I don't feel like I'm being a bother.

Do any of you ever feel like that?

The IceBlock [17]: A Series of Changes

Hi everyone! I've done a terrible job posting, but some of it I have no control over, not that that's an excuse or anything. I'm here sharing this post with you now to provide updates on some pretty big (at least for me) changes that have happened the past week.

Most of them are health-related, which is peaches and cream since there seems to always be something annoying going on with my health, lol! Never serious things - just annoying, seemingly-unnecessary ones.

The rest of the updates are related to other projects I'll be working on in the near future. One is pending and the other is certain, but either way I thought I'd give you a heads up!

The IceBlock [16]: A Gift

Hi everyone :) I got home later than usual today, and was really stumped about what review to write, so I thought I'd do an IceBlock post instead. To be honest, since this post is going to be all about what's photographed up there, I don't really think labeling it as an IceBlock post is very appropriate, but...well, if I happen to make more of these things, then I might do a 'crafts' section or something, but for now it seems excessive to give it its own tab on my blog.

Anyway, my boyfriend's birthday is coming up, and I really wanted to do something special for him. I think it's funny that I always gravitate towards more artsy activities, whether I'm good at them or not. When my brother and I were younger, he was the one into art, and I was the science nerd. He's still ridiculously talented when it comes to art, but it seems that my multitude of interests have shifted to the arts over the past few years - interests I'm both good and bad at. I find writing to be my strength, with music performance coming second, but when it comes to drawing, painting, sculpting...pretty much creating something out of nothing, I fail.

So I choose to do those very things when I want to do something special for someone.

The IceBlock [15]: Nikki's Back

Hello hello. I mentioned it here and there, but never officially announced that I would be leaving for California between the 2nd of August and the 12th of August. I had Internet access this time around, but let's be serious: it was not reliable enough to post anything (and probably wouldn't be able to support any picture-uploading on top of that). So I've been gone, happy and gone, and now I'm sad and back, but it always works out that way unfortunately. I am happy to be with my family again, and I'm excited to be back on here, but I miss my boyfriend and I miss being in the city that I hope to live in someday. Aaaand, above all, I detest being back in New York City. But that's a story for a different day.

Mainly I've been gone because of my trip, and I thought that this time around I would at least, at LEAST, post a picture or two from each of the major places I went to. That's what this post is about, besides announcing that I'm back. So it won't be super picture-heavy (at least not as picture-heavy as it could be), but I hope you enjoy the ones that I do include. With that being said, let's move forward.

The IceBlock [14]: New Job

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Hi all. This feels like a blast from the past, putting up this post, because I remember when I started my job at Duane Reade I went MIA on here for quite some time. Well I notice it's been, what, a week since I last posted? Or just over that much time, and I don't want to repeat what happened back then!

I started my new job on Tuesday, and  my schedule was all over the place my first week (which just ended yesterday). My pay is still minimum for training - I don't know what it will go up to, or when - but I was really happy to discover that I at least get some tip money. Nothing like the waiters or waitresses there, but it's still some money on the side that I'm putting away for my break from New Hell City this August. Anywho, I've been exhausted.

The IceBlock [13]: Updates for School, Affiliation, & Future Reviews

Hi all! I hope you're enjoying the weekend. A lot of stuff has happened since my last post, so I thought I'd write up another IceBlock post to cover it all. I'll touch briefly on a few miscellaneous things first.

~ It's been nearly three weeks since my lumpectomy and I feel great. A week before the past Thursday, I had my stitches removed and finished my course of antibiotics. I'm still wearing a more-supportive sports bra (that really does make its appearance in every summer outfit) and the wound is still covered with gauze and waterproof tape (and, I may as well add now, I still haven't looked at the surgical site!), but I feel so much better than before. I can even lay on my opposite side without much pain!

~I start working again this coming Tuesday at my new job, though I have to say I don't know how I feel about it yet. I was ridiculously excited when I was getting trained and finding out more about it, because I was thrilled to have found a job that I thought would pay a lot better than my previous job. But, this past week I was told that I'd be starting at minimum wage - and my heart sunk. I felt disappointed in myself because this was the second job I managed to get and, with my college degree, I was still being offered minimum. They have clarified that minimum wage is only temporary pay during training, but I don't have high hopes about the pay afterwards either. So I'm not sure what to think.

Anyway...onto the main topics of this post.

The IceBlock [12]: New Look, Post-op, & More

Hi everyone. :) I'm super excited about this, and it's pretty damn obvious, so let's get it out of the way first: my blog now has a new banner/background! They're both a nod to the spring/summer weather that's been evading NYC every chance it gets. But, regardless, I'm thrilled about two things: (1) my banner has an Adelie penguin holding a parasol >:D and (2) I feel like the new blog background/color scheme make it easier on the eyes when it comes to reading my enormous posts.

I don't know why, but I always have this tendency to gravitate towards dark blues/purples when designing anything (as if I do much designing), and I always find them way too dark after a while. I've been meaning to brighten things up on this blog, but put it off because I dreaded having to make a banner again. Though it was easy, so I don't know what the problem was. O_o Anyway, I hope you all like it. :) Or can tolerate it. ;)

The IceBlock [11]: Under the Knife Again?

I've been crying on and off about this. I've spoken to my mom about it of course but I don't like to worry or stress her, and everyone else...forget them. I don't think it's weird to write about it here and writing about it will...maybe help me to feel better. Anyway, this is for all the girls out there, so guys you've been warned.

The IceBlock [10]: FINALLY!

Yes, finally, finally, finally, finally! I am typing this post with my new, improved, baby-buttified lips! Okay that sounds strange, but whatever, I finally found a solution to my severely chapped lips!!!

Simply put, it's a little routine that involves petrolatum, steam, sugar, Shea butter, and more petrolatum - with a total of two beauty/skincare products that I'll be posting reviews on soon enough (the ones that fill the categories of 'petrolatum' and 'Shea butter'). I'll write a post on the routine, too, this weekend, so keep an eye out for that if you're interested.

The IceBlock [9]: Some Updates

While I wait for my camera battery to recharge so I can take pictures for this weekend's reviews, I thought I'd write this update post. They're updates I don't like to think about, but I feel like I owe it to any readers to be on top of things I say in earlier posts, as well as anything that may affect how often I post for some time.

The IceBlock [8]: Driving, Weight Loss, & Future Posts

Hi everyone. :) *Me from the future* Since this ended up being a long post, I'm going to try sectioning it off, to see if that helps at all...

The IceBlock [7]: "Nino's Asylum" = Done!

 I wanted to write a quick IceBlock post because I'm so glad - I finally finished my short story, "Nino's Asylum"! :)

It's definitely not the first short story I've ever written, but it's the first in the genre that I like - which, briefly put, is horror. I like psychological thrillers but I don't know if what I wrote would fit under that. May not be scary either, ha! I think it is, though.