On Power

Sometimes I do these short posts with no tags. When I want to share but I don't want my words to be easily found. Posts that get pushed away by everything I do to forget, to be happy.

Power is a great thing, right? I mean it's made out to be that way. Sought after. And it is in some ways.

Power can be control. It can be independence. It's confidence and certainty. It's being able to do things on your own. Being able to change things for the better. I could list more but all I see right now is the power I don't want to have.

Pets and euthanasia. I know to some of you reading this, the weight of the topic has suddenly dwarfed to nothing. But for any other pet owner, you're still feeling as much a burden as I am. I've gone through putting a few pets to sleep, yes, but the third dog from my childhood is at that point right now. Hell, we even have a highly likely time frame: tomorrow.

I hate it. Who am I to take something - anything - else's life? Who am I to decide when enough is enough? Sometimes it's clear. Sometimes, like with the other dog from my childhood, the suffering is beyond obvious. It's heartbreaking. You can see the struggle in them as they try to greet you, because as much as they love you and want to greet you cheerfully, they just can't.

I don't see that with Luna. But we hear her crying, we know she's in pain, we see her shake as she goes down the stairs. We see the blood that could mean the cancer has spread.

I wish I had more patience. I wish I've done things differently. We never know how short time is until it's too late, right?

I know tomorrow she may sleep her last time, but she doesn't. And I'll continue to know that as many times more in the future as I have pets. I'll know when we call it a day. I'll know when that life isn't worth sustaining. I'll make that call, call that judgment. And I hate it.

It's not right. I don't want that kind of power.